not a blogger

i have a confession to make. that last blog posted yesterday, i wrote two weeks ago. i was all set to write that night, feeling freshly inspired about something. who cares what it was, i’m pretty sure the only people who read this thing are my parents anyway. hi mom & dad, i love you guys.

anyway, two weeks ago i cranked out way too many words like the non-blogger i am, and then went to preview so i could publish post and hit the sack. after a few weeks of writing a ton of (pardon my language), really bad crap, i felt proud of myself for finally actually finishing somethingonly then i froze. on the preview page, i realized that the fancy little “read more” button i had discovered and oh-so-enthusiastically tried to input in my blog looked pretty effed up.

that night, i stayed up way past my bedtime, trying to get the darn thing to work without it looking like such a hot mess. finally i gave up and went to bed. the next day, determined to make it look right, i did some research and even printed out a guide to something along the lines of “looping”. honestly, i have no idea what it means. the “guide” is still in my purse, folded up and unread.

i’m telling this story not because i expect anyone to care about my lack of wordpress skills. i just think it’s funny. it also highlighted for me one of my patterns.

i tend to jump right into things and get really excited right off the bat. i wouldn’t trade this quality for anything. i love that i am naturally a yes, and would much rather be an overenthusiastic cheerleader than a debbie downer eeyore.

at the same time, because i learn by doing, or feeling my way through things, i have to recognize that sometimes i am going to fall down. it isn’t always going to work out how i want it to. my secret inner perfectionist (that i keep trying to let go of) has to learn to be okay with letting things get a little messy.

jumping right in might seem to come naturally sometimes, but it is also an art, a skill that i need to continue to work on. there is a delicate balance between wholeheartedly taking things on while still preserving my energy. to me, this means moving from my core, and taking time for rest. finding the balance between steadiness and ease. in sanskrit this is called sthira and sukha, and it is a key element to yoga practice.

sometimes i think i’m moving from sthira, but then i gain some awareness and realize that i’ve been muscling through. there is a difference between action guided by deep core strength, and that which relies on the force of external muscles. the former is far more sustainable. the latter is what causes my crash-and-burn pattern to emerge. right now i’m working on noticing the distinction and moving more from my core.

as far as sukha goes, i’m certainly no expert either. i tend to make things more difficult (usually for myself) than need be. classic example: stressing over a “read more” button. honestly, who cares what it looks like? there’s nothing i need to “get right” here. realizing this and dropping the story in my head is the way for me to cultivate a true sense of ease. sukha does not mean slacking off or taking it easy. it means getting back to basics, and traveling light. paying attention to only what is needed to find balance. breathing deeply and moving energy.

falling down, crashing and burning, or whatever other habitual patterns  pop up are normal parts of life. i don’t need to make them a big deal. i’ve found it’s much more enjoyable to simply take note and laugh them off. i wish i always remembered this, but my memory isn’t that awesome so i tend to forget sometimes. oh well, those times make for entertaining (alright, maybe just occasionally decent) stories. i have to remind myself that i’m not really as funny to other people as i am to myself. good thing i’ve never wanted to be a comedian.

i may never understand all of the bells & whistles that wordpress has to offer. looping is still a foreign concept to me, and i’m more than okay with that. i’ll leave the real blogging to the true experts. instead i’ll stick with yoga, and my authentic, albeit messy, version of putting some of the tidbits gathered from my mat into words.

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