settle for a slowdown

i’m going to feel a little stuck sometimes. instead of trying so hard to rush through the stuckness and get it undone, what if i just sit with it and notice what happens? notice if i’m scarfing down my dinner so that i can get to writing, because all of these thoughts are itching at my fingertips and i want so badly to just let them flow. i paid up for these shitaki mushrooms! i must have enjoyed them at some point, because now whenever they catch my eye at safeway, i want to treat myself to a few. and now i’m shoveling through them without even noticing what it was that i liked so much. maybe if i pause and pay attention, i’ll realize that the $1.99 white button mushrooms taste just as good. or maybe the organic shitakis are worth every penny. 

and what about the beets that i took such great care preparing sunday night. my first time making beets! 

take a sip of water. then another. do i feel refreshed, hydrated? it’s hard to say, i know i was pretty dehydrated earlier from the rush through my day. maybe best to pause, let that last sip settle, and then take three more, slow, long sips. let the last one trickle through my teeth, feeling the droplets moving through my throat and down to my belly.

when i drink water like this, i feel my jaw softening. it’s no wonder i have tmj; my mind has been rushing through everything so fast, trying to “get it all done”, that my body can’t keep up. 

now take a bite of ground beef. taste the coconutty undertones. this one requires a little more pause while chewing, takes a little longer to work through softly. doesn’t go down quite as smooth as the spinach, fresh and perfectly wilted, with just the right touch of salt and pepper. 

i am doing so many amazing things. upon which it is easier to reflect on months later in the aftermath. suddenly, whoa, look at that – made it through the uncertainty and stress, layoffs and relocations at work, people leaving and friends moving left and right. and somehow, i’ve managed to keep my center and stay on even ground. this happened by me taking little baby steps of action moment by moment

sometimes the best action is no action at all, but rather letting it sink in. each of these tiny little moments was not perfect, yet each of them was exactly perfect. even if i can’t see it now, these moments are leading somewhere that i know i want to be. some of these moments felt extremely uncomfortable. like i feel now. yet at the same time i feel incredibly content. 

tonight, teaching at roam felt like boom this is why i love to teach yoga. i feel blessed to have the opportunity to share the yoga practice that has had such a strong impact on my life. actually lately every time i’ve gone to teach has felt like that. i know it won’t always feel this way, there will be classes that feel flippin’ hard. come to think of it, it never really feels easy. i’m probably always going to feel nervous, i don’t think i’ll ever feel “ready”. yet at the same time i love where i am. 

i may have struggled a little through my day at work. but i also had some really great laugh with coworkers. and i was brave and talked to them about how i feel about my job. which is a pretty big deal and took a lot of guts. it might not work out for me. or it might. all that matters is that i keep showing up and doing the work. the work for me right now is staying honest, and working toward my true norht. and feeling okay with letting change happen really slowly. the things that are most worthwhile will not happen all at once. i can be okay with setting an intention and knowing that right now, my life does not have the space to make it happen. and it is okay for me to just sit with that. i can (re)learn to taste my food and sip my tea, and approach my personal transformation softly. if i rush through it, i might miss a detail or two. and the little details are where the true perfection lies. it’s what makes everything worth it. so much love and gratitude for every person in my life that makes the little moments worth it. 

oh, and love and gratitude for dierks bentley. i know the song is about a breakup and not really related to this post. i still really like it, and it was inspiration for the title. that’s worth a shoutout in my opinion. 

One thought on “settle for a slowdown

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